Last night, I finally tried on my ghawazee coat... and it doesn't fit. Now, I am not sure if the whole thing doesn't fit or if it's just the sleeves but, definitely, my arms could not fit. I was never happy with the sleeves, I have to admit, but now I couldn't even put arms in. So now I need to do a new coat. Dammit! I thought that my garb was done...
But I have gained weight, apparently... I did the coat really like in spring/early summer of 2005 and I was smaller back then. The realization brought a case of tears and feeling real bad about myself, which I thought was a big bummer because I was starting to feel good about myself.
See, the pic for this blog is from a cookbook from a diet that we used to follow in Quebec, which yielded great results for me and which I try, from time to time, to follow. The point of the pic is that the lady is big and then, over time, becomes the lady in the mirror. I often think that, really, the pic represents me, being big, thinking that I am small...
Anyway...
The TV lamp blew.
And my face blew (I have a number of pimples, probably thanks to all the medications that I have to take right now due to my sinusitis).
And now I blew.
Wah!
But then, driving to work, I saw a wheelchair on the front porch of a house one street over ours... and I was thankful. It could be worst! Weight can be worked on (even though it feels like I've been working on it on and off forever)... losing the use of my legs or having some other disease can be irreparable.
Comments I had received
From Haifa:
Humm... how about just taking off the sleeves for the coat and wearing a long sleeved shirt/chamese (sp?) underneath? Btw: I think your perfect just the way you are!!! *squeeze* The night I met you, you looked FABULOUS!!! Seriously, fabulous and you weren't even sweating! Although, I'm still not sure how you managed not to break out sweating! Must teach me your secret! As long as you (and your hubby *wink*) are happy with your body, thats all that counts!
From Moolana:
Isa is a Hot Bitch Sometimes the media images we are bombarded with fog up our windows. This is when we can peak through the window of a friend for a clear view. Today you may borrow my window. Have you ever read the poem Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou? You should because that is what you are a phenomenal woman. When I am in your presence it is clear to me that your beauty is not just skin deep (thank goodness!), it radiates from the depths of your enchanting and mysteriously intriguing gothic soul. And further more, the last time I saw you dance I thought your body looked more defined. If it is just your arms that do not fit maybe your muscles are bigger.
From Akilah:
I've got the same mirror that lady in your cookbook has - my self image is not as pudgy as reality, so when I see a mirror, I'm all "Whoa!" XD To paraphrase one of our sisters, You Rock!
From me:
Oh... guys... thanks so much for all the nice things you said! And thanks Moolana for that post! It brought tears to my eyes! And I did go and search for the poem and read it! Boy, that's how I feel most of the time, really! :o) I am usually comfortable with my size. I definitely know that the scale number does not matter and stuff like that. However, I know that I can be smaller and I feel better about myself when I am smaller. And I've got a lovely collection of gothic clothes that are just waiting for me to shrink a little bit again. ;o) That aside, I know that I also feel more healthy when I am smaller... actually, lemme take that back. It's not when I am smaller but when I exercise more. I desperately need to go back to the gym. Doing a minimum of 4 hours of belly dancing every week is awesome and has helped me tremendously but I also need the cardio from the gym. Belly dancing is helping me get in better shape, as evidenced by Kate, a few weeks ago, who asked me at the end of a BRC practice how come I had all that energy (I was still jumping up and down everywhere, lol...) but it doesn't help my cardio capacity as much. It definitely is toning me, though. Oh and I tried on the mock-up of the ghawazee coat... and lemme tell you that it's no wonder that Jeff is enthralled by my figure: I am a true 36D now! Whoahee! There is NO WAY IN HELL that my boobs would fit in the mock-up of the ghawazee coat (the fabric stopped right in the middle of my breasts! So that's a big gap)... so it's not just the sleeves, it's the chest too! lol Which Jeff is definitely NOT complaining about (okay... I've transformed into the T-MIG... Too Much Information Gal). Oh and, this morning, as I was wearing my uber cool sandals that have high heels (I love high heels) and I heard the click of my heels on the floor, I held my head up high and did my best strut! ;o)
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