That damn voice! - Originally posted 22 November 2005

Don't you hate it? That damn voice inside your head that is just plain negativity.

Last night, I was not feeling it as I normally do. Or maybe I felt like I was doing the same moves week after week. Whatever the happened, after the practice, I had doubts. Doubts like: Why am I even trying to do my own thing? You were lame. You should just stop pretending that you can lead because you can't. You can't create stuff. You're only good at doing something that someone has created. You're not creative enough. You're a scientific person, you're no artist, no creator. You don't have "it." Boy, did you look fat in that mirror today. You looked so much better last year!

Well, the list goes on.

There are a few things, really. I don't seem to be doing anything that is "oomph" worthy or that is great or whatnot. Maybe I'm trying too hard or not trying hard enough. I gained back a lot of weight since spring. I stopped going to the gym because I had to sew like crazy but I was still practicing belly dancing quite a bit so I maintained myself for a while. And then I had to slack on the practice too and it all spiralled down from there. And I'm an emotional eater so, since I had tons of stress both at work and outside of work, I ate too much. Those pesky little things from the vending machines!

So let's just say that I'm not comfortable in my own skin these days... at all... But it's my own damn fault. I haven't gone back to the gym yet and it's been almost 2 months now that the RenFaire was done. I had to recover from it. And then there was whatever. And then I was sick for a couple of weeks. And then I had too many planned activities. So here I am now.

And belly dancing can be brutal for image issues. For me it can be. When I started belly dancing, I was this not-so-tiny-but-still-not-that-big thing. I weighed about, oh, say 50 lbs lighter. So I remember what the moves looked like on my body. And when I started belly dancing again last year, I was maybe 15 lbs lighter than I am today. So, now, I see myself doing a maya in the mirror and I think to myself: look at that fat thing above my hip. I do snake arms and I'm like, "Yoohoo! Elbow! Where are you?" But I still do the moves... because I have to. And, truth be told, it's not like it's hideous. It may just not be as evident or as pretty or whatever then when I started dancing but the moves still look good.

Last night, I finally used my brain a little and wanted to scream at that voice to just shut up, that it was wrong and just plain silly. But it was attacking again with more force. So I stopped trying to counter anything.

But then the thing that was coming back up in my head the most was the creation/creative part. At one point, I thought that it would be so much easier to do like I have always done, which is to do choreographies that my teacher has created or taught us (my teacher in Quebec had taken a lot of workshops in the past and was teaching us choreographies that she had learned in those workshops). And then the rational part of my brain countered that, yes, it would be easier because doing my own thing is actually hard work.

So I guess that part of the problem is good ol' laziness. lol I'm in a better frame of mind today so I can say that, yeah, my body is bigger but my technique is still good and I can still do the moves and, being older, I have more to dance about. Know what I mean? It's hard to describe. And I may be scientific and, therefore, less artistic than others but all it means is that it is going to be harder for me and I just need to exert more effort into it. It doesn't mean that I can't do it. I just have to kick my lazy behind and practice practice practice.

Heck, dammit, people associate me with dancing! Everyone knows that Celeste, Isabelle, Leannan, call-me-what-you-want = dancing. R

epeat three times this lovely mantra from SNL:
I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!

;op

Comments I had received

From Badriya:
*hug* I think we've all been there--that picture says it all, you just get into this mindframe where you will not even accept that there is something good to be seen in the light that shines on you. Bleh. But I think every time you fight this thing back, you believe a little more that you are good and that gosh darn it people like you. Stepping up to doing your own thing is a big challenge, but it's so rewarding once you've gotten on your way. You wouldn't be feeling like this if you were the kind of person to be satisfied with just dancing other people's choreographies, embodying other people's ideas. You do have something to dance about :)

From Suri:
My dear sister you have given voice to many of the thoughts that run through my head! I too am frustrated my lack of ability to create something new, doing the same things over and over again, and not looking as good as I think I should. But you got it right, we let the outside pull us in so many different directions that we we loose sight of who we are and why we do the things we enjoy. I think we both need to be more forgiving of ourselves. To be honest while we are practing I would have never guessed those thoughts were going through your head. I just kept looking at how beautiful you were in your dance and wishing I could be there with you! I'll take my own advice and stop giving myself a hard time and focus on what I can do. You know what, as quircky as that SNL line is, it does make you feel better!

From me:
Guys, you are the best!
Badriya - I had not noticed exactly how the picture was reflecting what I was saying. It spoke to me and I chose it. Your words really helped me a lot!
Suri - Dear sister! You are so right that we both need to be more forgiving of ourselves. I think that you are doing really well and I see lots of progress on your part... but you don't see it. And you gave me compliments that I didn't feel at the time that I was dancing. How dumb is that, eh? (gotta use the Canadian "eh" every now and then ;op) Your words were like a big hug. Thanks so much for your continued support!

From Parvaneh:
Oh, if I had a nickel for each time I think that! It takes a conscious act to stand up to the negative self-talk and tell it that it is wrong. (and it is, lovely Celeste!) One think I've learned over the years is that when you compare yourself to *anything*, you stand pretty good odds of coming out on the down side. We are each unique in our own strengths and abilities and charms. I admire different aspects about everyone in our tribe and it is those things that make them special and unique. We are all our own worst critics, Celeste. What you see in the mirror is vastly different than what Suri and I see. (can you guess what you're getting on Monday???)