Interview with my Censor. No holds barred. Let's see where it leads us.
Q: Good afternoon. How are you?
A: Fed up with work. In a pissy mood. You suck. What's new?
Q: Hmmm... Okay. Well, first off, as was stated in the previous blog, why am I not choosing pieces that I thoroughly love?
A: You suck. You will not do them justice. It will be a waste of time and good music.
Q: But, isn't that part of the problem? If I had music that moved me, maybe ideas would be flowing more freely?
A: Maybe... But when was the last time that you had a brilliant idea for a dance?
A: And don't give me that BS about that veil piece again. You were lucky that time.
Q: But, in the morning pages, didn't I write that, while I am afraid of "spoiling" the pieces, maybe creativity breeds creativity, so doing something inspiring might feed into something else that would be good? What I mean is that it wasn't just luck.. I can be good.
A: Sure. Give yourself a few years. When you've performed enough, then, maybe you can do all those pieces that you've been wanting to do.
Q: Why not now?
A: You're not small enough. The ideas that you may have and that may be good (notice here that I'm not conceding that you are good...) will look nothing like what you had envisioned. And what's with the goofy faces? Are you goth or not? You can't even pick one style and stick with it. What would Ariellah and Tempest think of your dances? You're not dark enough.
Q: Hmmm... didn't we just diverge from the "why not now?" question?
A: Not really. Don't get me wrong, you have potential kiddo, but there are a number of things to improve upon before you can do something great. Like lose weight. Like improve your technique. Like have more experience performing. Like put an emotion on your face.
Q: How about just doing something fun? Something that I would enjoy doing? It doesn't have to be great just yet.
A: Really? Are you really striving for "just okay?" You really want the bar to be set that low?
Q: Now, wait a second. That doesn't mean that it would be crap. How about if I just thoroughly enjoyed performing it, like my students enjoyed that veil piece?
A: Well, then you need to come up with great ideas. Remember that you are a teacher and must make your students proud. AND you are BRC's director so you have represent them nicely.
Q: You're going into a loop now. How about forgetting adjectives?
A: That's going to make one hell of a boring text.
Q: Actually, I don't think that this interview is boring at all.
A: But I've used adjectives throughout.
Q: Never mind. So. How about picking out one piece that I've always wanted to do? Or at least have been wanting to do for a while. Like that Sitare by Oojami?
A: Are you kidding? You're planning on doing that at Carenza's where there is a teacher of Bhangra stuff? That's insane.
Q: How about Filii Neidhardi by Corvus Corax?
A: Will you have time to make the costume that you had envisioned for that one? AND come up with a good choreography?
Q: Well, certain things can be bought.
A: But that costs money. And that doesn't solve the choreography problem.
Q: What problem?
A: Coming up with good stuff.
Q: I repeat. What problem?
Q: Don't I love this one?
A: Can you do the locks that you had envisioned? Do you have any other ideas?
Q: Locks can be practiced. Ideas... I won't know until I try out stuff. I can ask "the muse" for help.
A: He's going to think that your ideas are crap.
Q: No he won't. Isn't his role just to inspire?
A: You should let him choreograph the whole thing for you. HE has vision.
Q: You're silly. You don't have a point. I'm ending this interview. I win. aha!
A: I'll always be back.
Q: Okay. Whatever. Bye for now.
Well, this was fun. Maybe that should be part of my artist method: have a conversation with my Censor out in the open, in writing and all. :p Squash it like the little bug that it is. Don't worry... I'm still sane. Well, I think I am. :p
Btw, when I was in school, I was real good at writing fiction and plays and stuff. Maybe that's why I became such a successful scientific writer... although there is nothing fictional about what I'm doing. And that's something that I miss, actually. As part of the Artist's Way workshop-in-a-book, I discovered that I'd like to write more... fiction, that is, of course. But I have to admit that, once my day at work is done, I'm about out of words.