So, yesterday, Kat and I figured out that we won't be doing our dark duet at the Ariellah workshop in Feb. So that means that I will be doing a solo.
Now, given that Kat's work situation was still up in the air, I was already planning a 'back up' piece just in case. Well, whaddayaknow, when I would do improv to the piece, I had tons of ideas and it just spewed forth... until yesterday when it became official that I was really doing it... it wasn't as easy anymore.
That gave me some things to ponder.
Among the issues, I think that I am no longer very stressed right before a performance. It's a case of, take a deep breath, take the plunge, and perform the best that you can with what you created. But now that stress has displaced itself to earlier in the process... and I had not noticed. Interesting tidbit there.
Also, b/c it was now official that I was doing it, I was reconsidering the choice of songs. Well, I always do that. I always reconsider and mull over whether my song choice was fine so that it ends up that I spend way too much time wondering which song I will do and not enough time preparing one... whichever one... I think that it's a ploy from my evil twin to make me look bad.
Yesterday, when I did improv to the song, I was all confused over the accents... there are places where there's a double accent and places where there's a single accent and I got them all mixed up. And I thought that it was funky and there's really no patterns to the accents. Eventually, I realized that musicians can play back their music on stage without problem... heck, I could do that back when I played piano... some pieces just don't have patterns.
And then the thought came forth that I needed to know my music so well that I could play it on an instrument. I know that both Asharah (first) and Ariellah (very recently) have told me that I need to know my music inside and out. I just had not realized how much you should know it exactly. There's a big difference between (the somewhat dismissive) 'yeah, yeah, I know my music and its accents' versus 'and here, there's a little tingly, and here there's this, and here there's that' (i.e., music has been dissected)... again, as if I have to play it on stage.
In the same vein, this morning, I thought that, really, when I perform to my music, my body becomes an extra instrument. That was a very interesting thought. I did maybe a 'Freudian slip' here or something but I made a grammatical error when I first wrote the first sentence in this paragraph... instead of writing "when I perform to my music", I had written "when I perform my music." Yeah, that's EXACTLY how it should be... I shouldn't strive to perform 'to' it... which adds a type of barrier or impersonal touch... but I should strive to simply perform it. Easier said than done but that's a start. ;)
Also, one thing that I noticed last night was that, whereas I was able to stay still when it was unofficial (e.g., arm movement on accent... wait in a pose while just standing for the next accent... other arm movement), I was more 'fidgety'... I couldn't stay still... it felt like I had to move all the time... kind of like when you're nervous for something and you fill in all the silences in a conversation... whereas, sometimes, silence is needed.
I still can't understand why I can't breach the barrier between me and performance. The barrier is that I feel like I could do more, like my personality could come across more. Among the weird stuff, is that I can be silly or highly dramatic in my classes. It's easy for me in my classes. I can do it there. I can't do it on stage... yet. I'm afraid of overdoing it to some extent. I'm afraid of looking like a fool. I'm afraid that people will wish me off the stage. I'm afraid of everything...
It's time to take a deep breath... stand on that diving board... press down into it... spring up... and DIIIIIIIIIIVE.